I’m not going to lie, this past year was just dreadful. Nothing really in particular happened that was awful – but this past year was just full of negativity, pain and anxiety. I never remember ever feeling like I’ve wanted a year to be over as soon as 2010.

The year started off well – with hope or denial – I can’t decide which one yet. I refused to let the negative vibes enter as 2010 began. I turned 3o in February and thinking of the past I started to reminisce and reflect – I began to blog, kind of :-). I had hopes of making 2010 one to remember. Things started well. Then the spring set in with ALOT of work, stress and anxiety. I began to worry how I would juggle all that I  wanted to do. I admit, I bit off a little too much and I became bogged down with work and stress. I held in alot of my stress and became bitter, angry and regret set in.  With all the stresses in my work and personal life – I began to shut down and give up hope.

I became frozen – like a lone soul in the “bleak mid winter”. The summer was blazing hot and my heart was cold and frozen. I was so upset that it had taken me a year to come to terms with the previous year’s let down {Post on Sanctification} and here I was again in another funk and dreading the dawn of each day. Dreading work, family and personal stresses, finances, church, yes even – writing. And it had, and has,  been some time since I had seen my love and best friend, things were just not looking great. With stresses there and here I had been wearing thin – how was I supposed to hold everyone up when I felt so drained?

Through the summer I braved the heat, long hours at work, late nights, early mornings – trying to carve some time for myself and trying even harder to feel comfortable enough to go to church. The summer ended just as quickly as it began and the bite of fall set in. I managed to make it through my father’s open heart surgery, my uncle’s funeral and a new job prospect (which is one of the best things going right now 🙂 – I love it!!).

The anxiety and worry have still remained. The holidays were very hard – I love Christmas and forcing myself into the holiday was so unnatural to me. All I could do was hang on to what I knew best – faith. The faith that I have still remains even in the midst of this awful mess. God has been good even if I still feel so far from the “grip of His grace” – He knows that I am hurting, He knows that there are worries that I cannot easily relinquish.  Sometimes the cares and worries that I hold onto are my connection to God – I feel that if I were to stop worrying and caring that it would make me cold, numb and unsympathetic. I try to be and show my concern and conciousness of others needs – a lot of the time neglecting my own. My faith is all that I can hold on to get through, especially during times when I feel alone. So what is next? What is ahead? I don’t know.

The road is long. Scary. Uncertain. Uphill. Downhill. Twisting. Turning. Through bad weather and clear sunny days. I will have to take it one step at a time. One day at a time – sometimes minute by minute. And though it seems cold and solitary – my Saviour walks with me. This year, this journey – I have no idea what lies ahead on this road. I have to take it and I have to rely on my faith and communion with my God to make the journey.

I know that I will look and I will see the miracles, the grace, the joys and the hope. Through the hard times and the pain – I will still see Him and I will rejoice. I know I won’t understand everything but I haven’t given up and I know I am not ready to.
During this “new year” I am determined to rely on my faith and my God to guide my steps.

Where is your “road” leading you this new year? Is it certain or uncertain? I pray this year for your journey and mine. I pray that this year brings blessings even in the midst of the troubles and strife, they seem huge and unbearable at times. We must bear them and get through but they are never too big for the Lord to take.

May the New Year be a blessing to you and those you love.