Seeking God
“Blame…..a way to discharge pain and discomfort.” – Brene’ Brown

It’s just a phrase but we all do it…we feel uncomfortable so we discharge our blame on whomever. How do we, I, charge through life when blame, anger, injustice, hurt and hate deep loathing exists in our own homes? How do we come to this objective discourse?

In human terms – I had a raging argument with a close family member today. It was horrible. The searing madness of my anger, blood boiling and heart pounding emotions churned out the hateful words – “Get out of my face” – soon turned to feelings of guilt and shame, “Where is your grace, Lord?”

I was already feeling upset about another situation from earlier in the day – that I couldn’t jump into the issue at hand – I passed the buck or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. How do I seek peace and true joy in the midst of chaotic madness – which I have only fueled with my own short comings? I have not acted in love –

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8

It is so hard to be authentic – when there is so much blame, anger and judgement.

Seeking the Lord’s peace and certainty,

Thanksgiving….its a time to feast, seek gratitude and enjoy family.  This year was a bit different. Having been a year and a half since working full-time and part-time. I entered Thanksgiving Eve very worn tired and stressed. Holidays seem to trigger stress, discomfort, and problems. Feeling compelled to do for others leaves me so worn and tired sometimes. As I arrived home – ready to begin a paper delivering fest – I discovered that the papers were NOT ready to deliver there were just there. 😦 But after some discussion and thought I would just bag and ready them for the “delivery day”. So the night of paper bagging and movie watching went off without a hitch. Late into the night I awoke on the sofa, shut off the tv and headed to bed. No worries tomorrow was Thanksgiving and I would ease into it.

Thanksgiving morning, I readied my pies crust, pumpkin pie mix and my sweet potatoes. As the pie baked away and the turkey sat ready to bake for hours. My mother, panicked and annoyed, said, “Will you get this sea of bags out of here so I can clean the living room? And where is the remote (to the cable box that is)?” I didn’t know moving and shifting the bags, searching under sofas, tables, baskets and more – the remote was missing. Weird I thought I thought I had it last night but I fell asleep and used the other remote to turn off the tv. So I put the papers in my car (for delivery Friday or Saturday), I showered and set back to find the remote. The pie was done, the turkey stuffed and cooking and the REMOTE HUNT still on. We looked in all the same places again and again. I even took to twice looking through the outside garbage (thinking it was tossed with torn papers and bundle bands) only to be disappointed. “Well, I said, I guess we’ll just have to enjoy one another’s company today.”

So as turkey day progressed and passed thoughts lingered as to where the remote had gotten to. We finally rested assured that the remote was somehow in the paper bags….somewhere – but where and which one? I didn’t even want to know. And at that point I didn’t care, I had taken the blame – it was my fault I was the last one to see it and now it was missing. So I entered Friday (Black Friday) with no shopping just plans to ready the house for Christmas. I vacuumed and dusted and put up the tree, I tinsled and ribboned and listened to music with ease. I even re potted my smallest Majesty palm tree (the only one to survive) and decked that one out for the holiday too.

"Small but still majestic & full of life."

I forgot all about the stupid remote and just enjoyed the carols and the warm glow of the icicle lights on the tree. I carefully, fashioned some decorative bows and hung ruby glass ornaments on each frond. Careful not to bind the middle stalk – yes this short little tree has hearty, healthy green stalks shooting out of the center. It is a short sassy little tree but bright with light and life. So another day was put away and done. 

I awoke Saturday morning and got dressed and coffeed up and ready for three or more hours of paper delivery. It was windy and cold and I wasn’t in the mood. I was upset still and kind of bummed about the holiday but trying to keep my spirits up. But my sister and I continued to deliver our papers (we have this system of green bags filled with 30 rolled/bagged papers and as we empty one bag we reach into the back and get another one). About three or four bags in Sandra went to grab a bag and it split spilling its papers all over the back seat of the car. “I’m not getting those” she said, “I’ll just use another bag.” “Wait, I said, I’ll use this empty one and put them in here, so I began stuffing papers into another bag, and for some reason we both looked back at the same time and…..

...there it lay. The lost and now found TV remote...

Sandra and I over joyed looked at each other and (very vocally) shouted “Yayayayayaa…oh yeah!” I had a feeling it was going to be in that bag – why I don’t know – we both did, sisters are like that sometimes. So we delivered the rest of the route and headed home. I had some errands to run before dinner and such so I did that. I came how with full bags ready to eat and decorate some more. And then as I plugged in the snowflake lights one side of the strand was out. Oh great….now this will be fun I mean who wouldn’t want to….

....unscrew the three tiny screws....

...and take off six CLEAR bands (you see them right?)....

Yeah I got the screws but the six clear bands had me puzzled – not to mention once you get the case open finding out which one of the 12 little buggers was out – and I wasn’t even sure I was on the right snowflake. But I was determined and past the point of contemplating just getting a new strand of lights. With the economy the way it is – it pays to do a little maintenance. So, with my niece’s help, I tried one and NO. Then I saw –  by some luck, blessing or whatever act of loving God who is sick of hearing me complain –  the second bulb looked a little grey so I tried it and……

"Voila!" Lights! Eight twinkling snowflakes.....

Very vocaly, I said, I screamed…”Oh YAYAYAYAY Yeah!” High five me mom!” I was overjoyed and just glad that no more setbacks were headed (YET). I hung the lights, tinsel and wreath and readied the Advent Wreath for Sunday. Finally, relaxed and at peace with the day. Thank YOU GOD it was a good day after all. Thank you.

Twinkling bright....

I know the stress is going to come and this month more than once, twice or thrice. But our Savior is on the Way – the drama is well worth the gift of this season. Peace, love and joy are on the way. No matter how bad the setbacks are — the spirit of Christmas is worth the wait. Ready with me and wait……wait for the blessed day. Wait with glad hearts, determined spirits and clear minds for the Savior’s Birthday!

Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah and MERRY CHRISTMAS!