My eyes are cast down. My spirits are in limbo. Neutral, disenchantment, stagnant – I gaze ahead  with no focus, oblivious to any thing outside my line of vision. I feel like a cloud of dread has hovered over me. A bubble of doom. A grey shroud of “bad luck” has held me idle in my misery. There is no looking ahead, no hopeful prayers or wishes. The waiting has driven me crazy. I have wallowed in this madness for weeks. I have tried to control things that are beyond the realm of possibilities.

Yesterday, anxious with things left undone and worry of what to do, I prayed. I asked God what do you want me to do? What should I do? Should I make those phone calls? Should I wait? Should I sit back a neglect things to be done? How late in the day is too late? Confused and upset. I dialed the phone. One call after the other reminded me again – I am not in control of any of this. I relinquished any and all thoughts and I walked away. Literally, I walked away from the phone.

At that moment my answers would come. One by one the phone calls came, my loose ends were beginning to secure themselves. I walked away, I gave up control and I waited. My relief had come in some form of answers and accomplishments. Last night I was able to rest my mind a bit.

This morning, I decided to sit outside in the sun and have my coffee. As I gazed out at the line of trees in the front yard, I noticed the lush green leaves. Its like they appeared over night and I never noticed. My focus has been at eye level and focused on too many negative things. The words that came to mind at that moment were “Look Up”. Look foward and away from the things that are keeping you bound to misery and negativity. Look at the crisp blue sky, feel the fresh crisp breeze and behold the beauty outside of the walls that you have made. Stop focusing on all the negative things that are consuming you and look up – look to God, surrender to His Will – He will take care of you.

Here’s to looking to God and yielding to His Will.
Love and Prayers,

I am feeling a little drained. I am losing ground and not able to focus. There are too many loose ends that I cannot tie up.  Why? I am running out of answers and patience. I don’t know what to do.

Yes I had high hopes to returning to work this past Monday. It didn’t work. I lasted a day and a half before heading home sick and calling the doctors again. I tried too hard to push it and go back full steam ahead.  I was told to stay home and rest more and hopefully try next week to ease back into work. This is so hard for me…I am a go getter, a doer, not a watcher, not a sitter. I am having such a hard time with this and it is hurting my recovery. I took for granted that this was a simple operation and that I was “fine”. I didn’t surrender completely to the Lord’s will on this situation nor follow the instructions of take it easy. I am stubborn and hard-headed. I just don’t like when things don’t fit into  my plans. I am hanging on hoping that there will be answers and that things will make sense again.

Here’s to hoping there is good news on the horizon.
Praying as always,