In this not so “Wordless Wednesday” – I am facing surgery. As most of you read this I will be in the hospital and possibly still in surgery. I know that I am very blessed and loved, to spite the circumstances before me. It has been a rough road since my initial surgery in April – which discovered a carcinoid tumor and cells. As I was refered to doctors and then eventually facing the treatment ahead – a right hemicolectomy to remove part of my colon, any remaining cells and lymph nodes – I have had a lot of time to think and pray. I have accepted my situation and I know I am not alone.  I have some wonderful friends and family.

Romans 8:26-28
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and thoughts and I will be home soon (I hope).

The good news: I can go back to work on Monday, Yay!! I really missed the kids and I got to visit with them yesterday. It was AWESOME!!! Good thing too its Teacher Appreciation Week so awesome time to come back with co-workers, friends and food :-).

I have taken it easy for the most part, recovered nicely with little pain or discomfort, and minor setbacks with meds making me feel sick, tired and just drained. I know this is a common procedure but its hard to know what to do when you are thrust into an operating room after days of strange symptoms it’s really eye-opening. Since this being my first ever hospitalization and surgery it was scary for me.

After, two weeks of resting I went to my post-operation appointment in crazy anticipation; hopefully they release me to go back to work on light duty and drive – and they did. So I was ready to get back to work and be healed and rested.

The bad news: Along with my good news of recovering nicely and healing well. There was a pathology report on my appendix – I guess they test the removed “organ” to find out the cause of the appendicitis I hadn’t thought of that. In my case it wasn’t just a common bacteria it was a tumor in my appendix. OKAY I gasped, wide-eyed at the doctor. I wasn’t expecting that because I had a sinus infection a few weeks before. Now this tumor although small is apparently now showing , not the traditional isolated and indolent manner of most carcinoid tumors of the appendix, but some aggression into other tissues – from what I can understand from the report. In most cases the appendectomy removes the tumor and “cancer” threat. But of course, this small tumor is causing some concern.

So “the bump in the road” is that this isn’t quite done. There is more to this simple and common operation than I had anticipated. I know I can hurdle this – I just hope I am strong enough to do so. I guess I need prayer that this will all make sense. That the doctors will be gifted with the ability to answer questions and that they will let God be their guide and protector.

More Good News: I know the Father is holding my hand and asking for my trust. I know He has a reason and an answer and a plan, I hope someday will be revealed to this small, seemingly insignificant situation.

Many Blessings, Love and Prayers, Always,

The human body is a mystery, to many people – even some doctors, I imagine. God is a mystery as well. As some of you may know, via Twitter and Facebook, I had to make an unexpected trip to the hospital on Sunday, after a weekend of sudden stomach upset, sleeplessness and other strange symptoms.

I went in early morning, as the hospital ER can get quite backed up. I was taken back immediately and praying the whole time that I hadn’t wasted my time coming. I am never sick and I always feel like other people are in far more serious condition that I am. So I was just hoping that it was serious enough to justify a trip to the ER. I went through the usual tests and all. I had quite a difficult time eating, drinking and keeping anything down for the past few days, so I was given a saline IV. I also needed to drink much, much, much of this ‘yuck’ to prepare for a CAT Scan. It was difficult and just took a long time. After two hours I was ready to go down for my scan. I was worried/still that I had come for nothing. I waited in discomfort, praying that God had an answer for this strange string of events happening to me. My head swirled with worries and thoughts, Why is this happening? What caused this? etc etc.

After my scan the wait was not long – the doctors came by and indeed confirmed my suspicions. I had a perforated appendix and was going to be in surgery in the next hour or so. WOW. I knew after two days of pain, discomfort, sleeplessness and nausea that I must’ve had appendicitis. But why? There is no answer. I was just mad – mad that I was sick and had to be in the ER, mad that now I had to be out of work for two – three weeks and go into SURGERY for the first time ever. WAIT! WHOA! WHAT! I knew when I went in, I was just in denial and worried and focused on the after effects of the hospital stay – paperwork, medical bills, phone calls, follow-up appointments, work and being dependent on others for errands and such. This is just not me. I am the one who is focused, hardworking, never sick, go getter, up early and always doing something. I DON’T have time to be sick, let alone do this surgery and hospital stay thing. Come on really?

I know this is common and it happens a lot – but I wasn’t thinking it would happen. No one does. Admittedly, the symptoms were going on since Friday night and I told the doctor I was going to wait another day to come in and they were glad I hadn’t waited any longer. I remember praying all night Sat – Sun for the pain to pass and go away and now I was glad that it had led me to the hospital. My denial and procrastination would have led to more serious illness and prolonged hospital stay. I still have no idea why God allowed this to disrupt and come into my life and why now when I needed to get so many things  done.

I am here, home, healing, waiting, trusting and at the mercy of the mysteries that God had put before me. And I still have no idea why. I know I need to wait and trust God and not try to always figure things out. I am at His mercy, His will and waiting and hoping that something meaningful will come out of all of this.

Lots of Love and Prayers,

Okay, so I am not hiding out…lately. I am accepting things as they come…but I am still anxiously waiting for some relief to all this madness.

After and upside down week, some changes have been made things are going better and I am “trusting” that I am not being naive about events, should they arise. I am waiting for the calm cool spring to show its face and stay, so I can bask in the warm sun. I know the rain will come I am just trying to be prepared for it. I pray that I can be not “better” but more aware, more thoughtful, more insightful, more meaningful as a person, a woman, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a writer, a girlfriend, a teacher and a child of God.

I am walking on eggshells, as I walk through the valley, yet God is holding my hand and yet I still am weary that I can make it through.

Keep praying. Keep trusting.

The unexpected rains have fallen. The optimism for the year ahead is fleeting. The stress is building and more and more bad news comes every week.

It seems things have taken a turn for the worst and it seems like I’m losing my control.The last four weeks have been like a long, pointless journey – I am wandering in a dry desert and I pray for relief. I have turned off, tuned out and hid away. No matter how long or how far I try to run I know that nothing remains secret from God.

Yet I feel major pressure to react, change cirumstances, DO SOMETHING, seek answers but nothing comes — silence. The silence is deafening. I know I’ve lost control maybe to God – but I wish he’d answer me and let me in on some of these forth coming events.

 It is so hard to wait in the silence.

I know you are asking….”What does that mean?” Well, have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you wanted to just freeze time? Have everything just slow down? So you could catch up? Well, that is just how I have felt for the last few weeks. Overwhelmed and lacking motivation. Everything is flying by too fast and I can’t catch up.

I have always prided on being a busy person, having things to do, always going here and going there….I always had a full-time job—I was a preschool teacher and full-time student at the same time. That was overwhelming in itself. My last full-time job took a lot of work and took a lot out of me. Last summer was the first time that I had anytime for myself. I was out of work and had a lot, A LOT of time on my hands. So that is what you see (on my other pages) yes I put my all into creating blogs about my new-found hobby of “caking” — cake baking, decorating and other sweets. Also, I created my blog/site for my long time love of children’s literature – must be the teacher in me. All of this was very handy in keeping me sane while I was home. I dabbling in book reviews, new children’s book releases and even some of my own children’s books.

“Signs of summer, colors and flowers”

Summer went along, and into fall and winter as well. Sure I hoped for that full-time job again and to teach again. But mostly I just went with the flow. As the days and months whizzed by I became so overwhelmed to the point that  I was literally plopped into a full-time caking fiasco.  My cake-walk has turned into a full-fledged monstrous, hand numbing task. 

Yes I work with ice cream cake; and the long hot days that seem to never end have been flying by at lightning speed. There are those days when I “literally want to freeze, in the freezer”; sometimes taking the order boxes to the freezer is the only respite from the blasting hot air from the freezer fans. And as I come home, weighed down from hours on my feet and the film of icing and sweat on my brow, I am hopeful for the next day. Sometimes worn and tired, sometimes numb and sore and other days hopeful and optimistic. I pray. I pray and I hope that I can and will be able to manage all of the things I have to juggle.

Time is not freezing, it is flying and I hope that soon I will catch up or that it will slow down for me. I am looking forward to the future, hard as it is, with and open heart and mind. Day to day, however, is much harder – faith is the only peace and guiding force that makes each day possible.  And believe me my faith has been tested to the point of total shut-down. I only recently have begun to open up to those things that have long been a part of my life and too long apart from my life. Each time I come closer another reminder of how great life with God can be. I pray to the Father, that respite, answers, humility and purpose will come.

I love this version of the song/video, with a twist on the events of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection and what it means for all the world – God’s people. Peace, love, hope and faithfulness always and always. In Jesus’ name. Amen.