seek… look, find, in search of, quest, search by questioning, obtain, try or attempt, to go to, to ask for, request, explore…
…God, truth, mystery, faith.
As 2014, has rolled away to the yesterday of my focus on belonging – Where to I belong? Who do I belong to? Do I belong? – it has evolved into the hunger for deeper truths, binding truths and roots of faith. In a world so upside down, disjointed and marginalized – unity is lacking, even among the faithful of God’s people. Even as my “restless” soul tried to nestle into the Lord – I felt a void – a sense of completion, certitude, assurance was still evading me. There was more that I wasn’t seeing…I needed to seek…the Lord.

But if from [there] you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29


Though I had been through an amazing year of true joys, true sorrows and true redemption, I was so confused. I was anything but certain that I had found my place. No, the Lord had more in store for me – seek. Why? I have everything. I am so comfortable. I have a good thing going on. People need me. No seek. What? Seek what? Seek more…

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his presence always.
1 Chronicles 16:10-11

seek-godMore. Of God…I was already overwhelmed and had a lot going on. But seek more of God. Ok. So digging deep into the roots of who God created me to be and deep into the knowledge and truth of who God is…I will seek…

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
Psalm 9:10
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matt. 7:7-8, Luke 11:9-10
From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. “For in him we live and move and have our being.” As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ Acts 17:26-28
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

…I am not just seeking verses that contain the word “seek”…it is all a matter of faith, belief and mystery. I am seeking God’s truth, God’s plan…because all other “truths” and “plans” have failed me. It has caused hurt and schisms and led to restlessness and ingratitude. This year, this day, this moment in the wake of God’s revealing purposes – one joy at a time and one gift at a time – it is time to take a perspective shift. As His purposes are being revealed, coupled with seeing God’s gifts being used – I will SEEK, praise, trust and give thanksEucharisteo. (One Thousand Gifts, 2008)
Seek ye first the kingdom or God and His righteousness, and all [your needs] shall be given to you…Matthew 6:33

Happy Blessed New Year,

I’m not going to lie, this past year was just dreadful. Nothing really in particular happened that was awful – but this past year was just full of negativity, pain and anxiety. I never remember ever feeling like I’ve wanted a year to be over as soon as 2010.

The year started off well – with hope or denial – I can’t decide which one yet. I refused to let the negative vibes enter as 2010 began. I turned 3o in February and thinking of the past I started to reminisce and reflect – I began to blog, kind of :-). I had hopes of making 2010 one to remember. Things started well. Then the spring set in with ALOT of work, stress and anxiety. I began to worry how I would juggle all that I  wanted to do. I admit, I bit off a little too much and I became bogged down with work and stress. I held in alot of my stress and became bitter, angry and regret set in.  With all the stresses in my work and personal life – I began to shut down and give up hope.

I became frozen – like a lone soul in the “bleak mid winter”. The summer was blazing hot and my heart was cold and frozen. I was so upset that it had taken me a year to come to terms with the previous year’s let down {Post on Sanctification} and here I was again in another funk and dreading the dawn of each day. Dreading work, family and personal stresses, finances, church, yes even – writing. And it had, and has,  been some time since I had seen my love and best friend, things were just not looking great. With stresses there and here I had been wearing thin – how was I supposed to hold everyone up when I felt so drained?

Through the summer I braved the heat, long hours at work, late nights, early mornings – trying to carve some time for myself and trying even harder to feel comfortable enough to go to church. The summer ended just as quickly as it began and the bite of fall set in. I managed to make it through my father’s open heart surgery, my uncle’s funeral and a new job prospect (which is one of the best things going right now 🙂 – I love it!!).

The anxiety and worry have still remained. The holidays were very hard – I love Christmas and forcing myself into the holiday was so unnatural to me. All I could do was hang on to what I knew best – faith. The faith that I have still remains even in the midst of this awful mess. God has been good even if I still feel so far from the “grip of His grace” – He knows that I am hurting, He knows that there are worries that I cannot easily relinquish.  Sometimes the cares and worries that I hold onto are my connection to God – I feel that if I were to stop worrying and caring that it would make me cold, numb and unsympathetic. I try to be and show my concern and conciousness of others needs – a lot of the time neglecting my own. My faith is all that I can hold on to get through, especially during times when I feel alone. So what is next? What is ahead? I don’t know.

The road is long. Scary. Uncertain. Uphill. Downhill. Twisting. Turning. Through bad weather and clear sunny days. I will have to take it one step at a time. One day at a time – sometimes minute by minute. And though it seems cold and solitary – my Saviour walks with me. This year, this journey – I have no idea what lies ahead on this road. I have to take it and I have to rely on my faith and communion with my God to make the journey.

I know that I will look and I will see the miracles, the grace, the joys and the hope. Through the hard times and the pain – I will still see Him and I will rejoice. I know I won’t understand everything but I haven’t given up and I know I am not ready to.
During this “new year” I am determined to rely on my faith and my God to guide my steps.

Where is your “road” leading you this new year? Is it certain or uncertain? I pray this year for your journey and mine. I pray that this year brings blessings even in the midst of the troubles and strife, they seem huge and unbearable at times. We must bear them and get through but they are never too big for the Lord to take.

May the New Year be a blessing to you and those you love.