My eyes are cast down. My spirits are in limbo. Neutral, disenchantment, stagnant – I gaze ahead  with no focus, oblivious to any thing outside my line of vision. I feel like a cloud of dread has hovered over me. A bubble of doom. A grey shroud of “bad luck” has held me idle in my misery. There is no looking ahead, no hopeful prayers or wishes. The waiting has driven me crazy. I have wallowed in this madness for weeks. I have tried to control things that are beyond the realm of possibilities.

Yesterday, anxious with things left undone and worry of what to do, I prayed. I asked God what do you want me to do? What should I do? Should I make those phone calls? Should I wait? Should I sit back a neglect things to be done? How late in the day is too late? Confused and upset. I dialed the phone. One call after the other reminded me again – I am not in control of any of this. I relinquished any and all thoughts and I walked away. Literally, I walked away from the phone.

At that moment my answers would come. One by one the phone calls came, my loose ends were beginning to secure themselves. I walked away, I gave up control and I waited. My relief had come in some form of answers and accomplishments. Last night I was able to rest my mind a bit.

This morning, I decided to sit outside in the sun and have my coffee. As I gazed out at the line of trees in the front yard, I noticed the lush green leaves. Its like they appeared over night and I never noticed. My focus has been at eye level and focused on too many negative things. The words that came to mind at that moment were “Look Up”. Look foward and away from the things that are keeping you bound to misery and negativity. Look at the crisp blue sky, feel the fresh crisp breeze and behold the beauty outside of the walls that you have made. Stop focusing on all the negative things that are consuming you and look up – look to God, surrender to His Will – He will take care of you.

Here’s to looking to God and yielding to His Will.
Love and Prayers,

Okay, so I am not hiding out…lately. I am accepting things as they come…but I am still anxiously waiting for some relief to all this madness.

After and upside down week, some changes have been made things are going better and I am “trusting” that I am not being naive about events, should they arise. I am waiting for the calm cool spring to show its face and stay, so I can bask in the warm sun. I know the rain will come I am just trying to be prepared for it. I pray that I can be not “better” but more aware, more thoughtful, more insightful, more meaningful as a person, a woman, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a writer, a girlfriend, a teacher and a child of God.

I am walking on eggshells, as I walk through the valley, yet God is holding my hand and yet I still am weary that I can make it through.

Keep praying. Keep trusting.

The unexpected rains have fallen. The optimism for the year ahead is fleeting. The stress is building and more and more bad news comes every week.

It seems things have taken a turn for the worst and it seems like I’m losing my control.The last four weeks have been like a long, pointless journey – I am wandering in a dry desert and I pray for relief. I have turned off, tuned out and hid away. No matter how long or how far I try to run I know that nothing remains secret from God.

Yet I feel major pressure to react, change cirumstances, DO SOMETHING, seek answers but nothing comes — silence. The silence is deafening. I know I’ve lost control maybe to God – but I wish he’d answer me and let me in on some of these forth coming events.

 It is so hard to wait in the silence.