What can you say? It’s Mother’s Day and this is mom and me 🙂 . A little history lesson I was born in 1980 the last of four children and fifteen years after my older sister Sandra. Funny thing is I was totally unexpected – literally unexpected – my mother had even had a Laser Tubal Ligation in her late thirties. Stating, “I don’t want any surprises when I am forty.” “Surprise!”
Shari and Mom June 1980
And a big sister who was “so happy when I was born” – that’s what she says :-/? Who is a mother herself.
I am feeling a little drained. I am losing ground and not able to focus. There are too many loose ends that I cannot tie up. Why? I am running out of answers and patience. I don’t know what to do.
Yes I had high hopes to returning to work this past Monday. It didn’t work. I lasted a day and a half before heading home sick and calling the doctors again. I tried too hard to push it and go back full steam ahead. I was told to stay home and rest more and hopefully try next week to ease back into work. This is so hard for me…I am a go getter, a doer, not a watcher, not a sitter. I am having such a hard time with this and it is hurting my recovery. I took for granted that this was a simple operation and that I was “fine”. I didn’t surrender completely to the Lord’s will on this situation nor follow the instructions of take it easy. I am stubborn and hard-headed. I just don’t like when things don’t fit into my plans. I am hanging on hoping that there will be answers and that things will make sense again.
Here’s to hoping there is good news on the horizon.
Praying as always,
The good news: I can go back to work on Monday, Yay!! I really missed the kids and I got to visit with them yesterday. It was AWESOME!!! Good thing too its Teacher Appreciation Week so awesome time to come back with co-workers, friends and food :-).
I have taken it easy for the most part, recovered nicely with little pain or discomfort, and minor setbacks with meds making me feel sick, tired and just drained. I know this is a common procedure but its hard to know what to do when you are thrust into an operating room after days of strange symptoms it’s really eye-opening. Since this being my first ever hospitalization and surgery it was scary for me.
After, two weeks of resting I went to my post-operation appointment in crazy anticipation; hopefully they release me to go back to work on light duty and drive – and they did. So I was ready to get back to work and be healed and rested.
The bad news: Along with my good news of recovering nicely and healing well. There was a pathology report on my appendix – I guess they test the removed “organ” to find out the cause of the appendicitis I hadn’t thought of that. In my case it wasn’t just a common bacteria it was a tumor in my appendix. OKAY I gasped, wide-eyed at the doctor. I wasn’t expecting that because I had a sinus infection a few weeks before. Now this tumor although small is apparently now showing , not the traditional isolated and indolent manner of most carcinoid tumors of the appendix, but some aggression into other tissues – from what I can understand from the report. In most cases the appendectomy removes the tumor and “cancer” threat. But of course, this small tumor is causing some concern.
So “the bump in the road” is that this isn’t quite done. There is more to this simple and common operation than I had anticipated. I know I can hurdle this – I just hope I am strong enough to do so. I guess I need prayer that this will all make sense. That the doctors will be gifted with the ability to answer questions and that they will let God be their guide and protector.
More Good News: I know the Father is holding my hand and asking for my trust. I know He has a reason and an answer and a plan, I hope someday will be revealed to this small, seemingly insignificant situation.
The human body is a mystery, to many people – even some doctors, I imagine. God is a mystery as well. As some of you may know, via Twitter and Facebook, I had to make an unexpected trip to the hospital on Sunday, after a weekend of sudden stomach upset, sleeplessness and other strange symptoms.
I went in early morning, as the hospital ER can get quite backed up. I was taken back immediately and praying the whole time that I hadn’t wasted my time coming. I am never sick and I always feel like other people are in far more serious condition that I am. So I was just hoping that it was serious enough to justify a trip to the ER. I went through the usual tests and all. I had quite a difficult time eating, drinking and keeping anything down for the past few days, so I was given a saline IV. I also needed to drink much, much, much of this ‘yuck’ to prepare for a CAT Scan. It was difficult and just took a long time. After two hours I was ready to go down for my scan. I was worried/still that I had come for nothing. I waited in discomfort, praying that God had an answer for this strange string of events happening to me. My head swirled with worries and thoughts, Why is this happening? What caused this? etc etc.
After my scan the wait was not long – the doctors came by and indeed confirmed my suspicions. I had a perforated appendix and was going to be in surgery in the next hour or so. WOW. I knew after two days of pain, discomfort, sleeplessness and nausea that I must’ve had appendicitis. But why? There is no answer. I was just mad – mad that I was sick and had to be in the ER, mad that now I had to be out of work for two – three weeks and go into SURGERY for the first time ever. WAIT! WHOA! WHAT! I knew when I went in, I was just in denial and worried and focused on the after effects of the hospital stay – paperwork, medical bills, phone calls, follow-up appointments, work and being dependent on others for errands and such. This is just not me. I am the one who is focused, hardworking, never sick, go getter, up early and always doing something. I DON’T have time to be sick, let alone do this surgery and hospital stay thing. Come on really?
I know this is common and it happens a lot – but I wasn’t thinking it would happen. No one does. Admittedly, the symptoms were going on since Friday night and I told the doctor I was going to wait another day to come in and they were glad I hadn’t waited any longer. I remember praying all night Sat – Sun for the pain to pass and go away and now I was glad that it had led me to the hospital. My denial and procrastination would have led to more serious illness and prolonged hospital stay. I still have no idea why God allowed this to disrupt and come into my life and why now when I needed to get so many things done.
I am here, home, healing, waiting, trusting and at the mercy of the mysteries that God had put before me. And I still have no idea why. I know I need to wait and trust God and not try to always figure things out. I am at His mercy, His will and waiting and hoping that something meaningful will come out of all of this.
The unexpected rains have fallen. The optimism for the year ahead is fleeting. The stress is building and more and more bad news comes every week.
It seems things have taken a turn for the worst and it seems like I’m losing my control.The last four weeks have been like a long, pointless journey – I am wandering in a dry desert and I pray for relief. I have turned off, tuned out and hid away. No matter how long or how far I try to run I know that nothing remains secret from God.
Yet I feel major pressure to react, change cirumstances, DO SOMETHING, seek answers but nothing comes — silence. The silence is deafening. I know I’ve lost control maybe to God – but I wish he’d answer me and let me in on some of these forth coming events.
Last week, I had a chance to catch-up on some things – a snow (and icy pellets falling from the sky) day came my way. I had the opportunity to get cleaning done, writing, organize goals, reading etc. Just a day to put everything into place.
This year thus far, has been a little off. Lets just say I didn’t start off on the right foot – directionless, in a funk and just out of it. However, I have come to realize that everything is a learning experience. Almost immediately, I went on a task doing craze – yet I spent most of the day at my desk and my prioritizing goals were thwarted. Hence the Christmas decor still hangs and I had realized that my devotional time was way behind. WAY BEHIND.
I had neglected my time and devotions. By the time Saturday had arrived I was so strung out. The events of the day only served as more stress and aggravation. Earlier in the week, my car tire had gone flat and Wednesday afternoon was spent in annoyance and frustration. By Thursday my computer had decided to throw another temper-tantrum and more time was wasted on fixing that issue (which is on again/off again). While Saturday looked up – a day to get things accomplished and working out a way to get a new pc system 🙂 Yay! The events of the new computer hook up only further frustrated me and monopolized time with friends and family.
Late, Saturday night I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I was totally consumed with why the computer wouldn’t recognize the internet connection, why why why???? I was obsessed and throwing all of my time and energy into it. After only a few hours of sleep. I awoke early, headed to the store to get some coffee and gas for the car. I returned home and tried to hook the old computer back up in an attempt to get some configuration info out of it. But it wouldn’t and still won’t start up windows grrr total frustration. I broke down and cried. I felt helpless and stupid and just useless. This was the dumbest thing ever. I decided to take a break and I opened up my Jesus Calling book only to find it had been unread since TUESDAY what???? What happened? I was determined to spend the morning reading through the past week – I am so glad I did. And I wished I had done it earlier. It was exactly what I needed (Jan 17 – Jan 24) each day to focus my time on God and prioritize tasks and events. If I had done my devotions earlier I may have been better prepared to handle the frustrating events of Saturday. After some time with God and some new fresh eyes and a clear mind. I called my ISP people and the problem was solved in ten minutes and I was given further info as well. It was like the answer was so close and simple. And I missed it and I obsessed over it. I never asked for help – I wanted to do it myself. I was stubborn. I need to realize my limits and when I need help. Jesus was and is calling me, He is calling you and if you will let Him – He will lead your path, guide your steps and give you the peace you need.
What are you focusing your time and attention on? What is monopolizing your days? Family? Life?
It’s refreshing scene, the crisp and clear day after the snowfall. This is last year February 11, 2010 after a big storm that left two or so feet of snow on the ground here in Emmaus and the Lehigh Valley. I love snow days, even as an adult I have always loved snow days. It is that calm quiet day that gives you the excuse to rest, relax and take it easy. Or to catch up on those things that you have not yet done. That is exactly what I need. Mind you and I am a procrastinator, totally. I am scheduled and rigid with some things but I often like to go with the flow and see where the day’s events lead (now I work with toddlers, twos and threes so that explains a lot – often times our days are dependant on each moment or the teachable moments). I have just spent the whole weekend at home and I am wondering what I even accomplished?
1. I did get all the laundry done. 2. I learned a lot about our wood stove and how to keep it hot during the day (would love any advice on that too – shoot me a comment :-)). 3. I cleaned my desk – somewhat organization is a constant battle with me. 4. I learned that my motivation runs so low – when I am not scheduled. I am working on this and I would ask you dear readers to pray for me on this. Sunday, Northpoint Ministries‘ Andy Stanley talked about the “cumulative” time that we must all put in to achieving goals – ie time with our Lord, devotional time, prayer, exercise, study etc. And I believe that is one of my many faults. I have not given my little bits of time when I should have to many things. In all my fury, frustration, procrastination, haste, waste and disorganization….there is something constantly in my line of view…
Everytime I look at my desk, cluttered or uncluttered, my Jesus Calling devotional is always in view. No matter how messy things get God is never completely out of reach. I can always grasp those moments with my Saviour.
My days can be filled with one big task or I can steal away for those moments a little at a time to get to those goals. Instead of feeling defeated and unmotivated I can use my time wisely (also in the NI section of my grade school report cards :-/). My time with my Lord can always “need improvement”. Living fully within the grace the Saviour is all anyone needs.
As cliche’ as it sounds all I am counting on this year is “hope” – the hope that I can put in my time to live my life fully to the glory and honor of God. No matter how hard it will be and those times that will try my patience, faith and self-worth my Lord and Saviour is behind me, beside me and ahead of me guiding and guarding my way. Jesus is calling me to set aside that time each day with Him to hear his voice and will for each day. My hope and faith is that I can catch up, use my time wisely and richly.
Now, I HOPE I can tackle this icy mess....
...not deep, but see its got an icy cover on it...its gonna be tough.
I am sure I can get it all done today…along with the other stuff – writing, taking the Christmas decorations down, dinner, etc. Pray with me that we all can put those important things first or give those moments each day to achieving our goals and making time (quality time) for God.
Ah yes, Friday. Its your favorite day of the week too, isn’t it? 🙂 Yes, I like to say that I am best friends with Friday, Saturday and Sunday! I don’t know why. It’s just something I say.
But lately, Friday has just been another day filled with fiascos, faux pas and freak incidents. You may wonder why am I including this in Sundays’ Sentiments – well I now think I may have a Friday phobia – not just Friday the 13th – just end of the week debacles that seem to be repeating themselves. Why? I don’t know. But I wish it would stop. Seriously.
A few months back, I saw the financial need to take on another job. The fall season was setting in and the hours were getting fewer and fewer. That was even a stressful time as well – there were many many things happening at that time – and interviewing for a new job was the last thing I had the energy for. But I did it anyway – scared at how I was going to do it all (three blogs, kids books, cakes, and three part-time jobs) – I took on even more responsibility. I was hoping that my family and friends would be of support in this time of transition and new experiences.
There were times when I was just so tired that I could do nothing else but just collapse. This schedule took a long time to get used to – early mornings, long – busy days, short nights. The weekends and FRIDAY were my only respite and release and they turned into insane, task filled, (sometimes fun-filled), stressful, angry, rushed fiascos and faux pas. I was becoming so tightly wound that I could feel it building.
After a few Fridays, filled with wasted time, headaches, groggy mornings, computer crashes, and freak accidents I lost it. Yes, last Friday – I lost it, along with all of my computers hard disk information. I was devastated, emotionally drained, tired, and I lost my composure, control and collective attitude. It was building for a while and I had a meltdown. It was too much and time for a fresh start. Sometimes you just have to start over. Sometime you just have to give up the reins and let someone else handle the situations – Let go and let GOD!
"....soar on wings, like eagles...."
It’s hard to know how to handle these intensely stressful situations with a calm, collective and mature attitude. That only comes from God – yes I need fruit – the fruits of the spirit come to mind here. However, it is still draining. It still takes time to recover from these kinds of situations. But it didn’t kill me, it may have made me stronger – and wiser to remember to back up files ;-)! I will get through it and remember to take that time to just “be”. Be still and know that God is near and hear Him calling. I hope and pray that I can enter Friday’s with fresh eyes, full spirit of joy and faith and trust – at least until the next meltdown – I know it will probably happen again ( I know “oh ye, of little faith” but I know me of little faith sometimes) but I know when the time comes I will hear him saying – just “be still and know that I am God.” Just be. Be what? Be you. Be the you that I created you to be! ” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I know that when I cannot pray I hold onto certain verses for comfort and healing this past few weeks has been rough and all I could do was read this over and over.
Romans 8:28 The Message Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
What is your prayer? What is your plea? What do you do when you lose control? I pray that you look to God and call on His name?
The vines, have since been removed – posing a safety hazard. The story is interesting, though, faith is not about Church and Religion only it is about applying faith to your life. Mister Navarre is right, God reminds us of His presence and grace. While church may/is important God meets us where we are at – even in the unholiest of places.
Where do you find God? Are there unexpected places you’ve encountered God?
I originally found this at Today, but the link took me to some strange Chinese lingerie ad with Princess Diana. YIKES.
Well it looks like the farm has closed for the season. The past few months has been so busy and hot! I was called to an ice cream craze earlier this summer and when I woke up this morning I wondered…”Where has the summer gone?” In hindsight I can say at this very moment it has been the worst summer ever. Only now am I feeling inspired and content to just accept it all.
Things have not turned out the way I had expected at all. Earlier this summer we had a unexpected growth in the yard, which turned into a joyous blossoming pumpkin vine. But now I see things are not at all what I expected.
The heat has just dried up the vine and the grass and soil will need to be turned if we plan to grow anything else again. I embraced this vine with open arms and a confused mind. I had visions of having a pumpkin table during the Emmaus Halloween Parade. But that won’t be happening I guess. Maybe next year will bring a better crop. With a lot on my plate; working two jobs, carrying household expenses and wanting to write and create with my three plus blogs I had little time to tend to this little pumpkin patch. All in all it was quite a learning experience and with our one little pumpkin we will have a delicious pie I just know it!
Not all was lost on our venture we did yield some yummy tomatoes:
Topsy turvey. I recommend cherry tomatoes for this...
A pot of tomatoes
Still growing and blooming...
Yummy garden tomatoes 🙂
I am grateful that I can share the smallest of blessing with you all! I am trying hard to keep that positive attitude. I am glad that my one lonely little pumpkin will make a yummy treat for Thanksgiving. And I love tomatoes…there is nothing like a garden tomato. Focusing on what we have is so important. Since I threw that pumpkin in the yard and took it for granted. This coming year maybe I will redo this pumpkin patch the right way, time management needs to become part of a list of priorities, and use this learning experience to an advantage. I am still very blessed and ready to embrace life’s changes and unexpected situations.
Shari's Sentiments 