In this not so “Wordless Wednesday” – I am facing surgery. As most of you read this I will be in the hospital and possibly still in surgery. I know that I am very blessed and loved, to spite the circumstances before me. It has been a rough road since my initial surgery in April – which discovered a carcinoid tumor and cells. As I was refered to doctors and then eventually facing the treatment ahead – a right hemicolectomy to remove part of my colon, any remaining cells and lymph nodes – I have had a lot of time to think and pray. I have accepted my situation and I know I am not alone.  I have some wonderful friends and family.

Romans 8:26-28
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and thoughts and I will be home soon (I hope).

I haven’t posted anything in a while. I’ve been a jumble of nerves and busy with appointments, phone calls and finances. Funny, I never said work – work is where I feel most at ease and my mind is at rest.

 I went back to work earlier last week to spend time doing what I do best – working with children. I love my job. I love being part of the lives of little ones who have their whole life before them. I have the opportunity to be a part of that – a big part – and it’s an amazing opportunity. I lead and they follow – yet they are fearless at every opportunity and they live in the moment. I have spent the past 6 months so wrapped up in the busy-ness of the day, that I missed the joy, the meaning, the importance. I missed God and the blessings in it. I am so blessed to be back at work and I enjoy it more now than ever.

As far as my health goes – I feel that being part of my regular routine has helped – I feel good, a little tired but more normal and blessed. I know it seemed simple, I even took for granted that it was a routine health issue. But it isn’t the end – it is a beginning and I have to accept it. I have cancer. I said it. I’m not giving up nor am I  going to let it define me. The treatment, however, is kind of drastic and major. Yet I am less fearful….but not fearless.

Did I shut down? Yes. Did I and do I cry? Yes. I am human. Am I scared? Sure. I feel the surge of helplessness and hopelessness from time to time creep up and I know it will continue. I need all the faith I can muster and all the prayer that I can manage to get through this. I know it will be long and dark but I have to be ready to go this distance. I have to be ready to journey this dark road with my Savior.

Thanks Amy and Josh Wilson Music.

Thank you [everyone] for your prayers and thoughts,

So I am waiting…for answers, for options, for relief, for this all to be over. I can’t do anything because I feel like my options are do nothing or do something drastic. There is little research to help in any decision. I feel like and anomaly that no one can explain.

I can do nothing – I am waiting. The doctors are unsure what the next course of action should be. I am praying that God will intervene and tell them what to do.

I am in the potter’s hands – He is the one making the decisions on how this is to be done. I am just a broken piece of pottery in His hands. Waiting to be whole again.

I am feeling a little drained. I am losing ground and not able to focus. There are too many loose ends that I cannot tie up.  Why? I am running out of answers and patience. I don’t know what to do.

Yes I had high hopes to returning to work this past Monday. It didn’t work. I lasted a day and a half before heading home sick and calling the doctors again. I tried too hard to push it and go back full steam ahead.  I was told to stay home and rest more and hopefully try next week to ease back into work. This is so hard for me…I am a go getter, a doer, not a watcher, not a sitter. I am having such a hard time with this and it is hurting my recovery. I took for granted that this was a simple operation and that I was “fine”. I didn’t surrender completely to the Lord’s will on this situation nor follow the instructions of take it easy. I am stubborn and hard-headed. I just don’t like when things don’t fit into  my plans. I am hanging on hoping that there will be answers and that things will make sense again.

Here’s to hoping there is good news on the horizon.
Praying as always,

The good news: I can go back to work on Monday, Yay!! I really missed the kids and I got to visit with them yesterday. It was AWESOME!!! Good thing too its Teacher Appreciation Week so awesome time to come back with co-workers, friends and food :-).

I have taken it easy for the most part, recovered nicely with little pain or discomfort, and minor setbacks with meds making me feel sick, tired and just drained. I know this is a common procedure but its hard to know what to do when you are thrust into an operating room after days of strange symptoms it’s really eye-opening. Since this being my first ever hospitalization and surgery it was scary for me.

After, two weeks of resting I went to my post-operation appointment in crazy anticipation; hopefully they release me to go back to work on light duty and drive – and they did. So I was ready to get back to work and be healed and rested.

The bad news: Along with my good news of recovering nicely and healing well. There was a pathology report on my appendix – I guess they test the removed “organ” to find out the cause of the appendicitis I hadn’t thought of that. In my case it wasn’t just a common bacteria it was a tumor in my appendix. OKAY I gasped, wide-eyed at the doctor. I wasn’t expecting that because I had a sinus infection a few weeks before. Now this tumor although small is apparently now showing , not the traditional isolated and indolent manner of most carcinoid tumors of the appendix, but some aggression into other tissues – from what I can understand from the report. In most cases the appendectomy removes the tumor and “cancer” threat. But of course, this small tumor is causing some concern.

So “the bump in the road” is that this isn’t quite done. There is more to this simple and common operation than I had anticipated. I know I can hurdle this – I just hope I am strong enough to do so. I guess I need prayer that this will all make sense. That the doctors will be gifted with the ability to answer questions and that they will let God be their guide and protector.

More Good News: I know the Father is holding my hand and asking for my trust. I know He has a reason and an answer and a plan, I hope someday will be revealed to this small, seemingly insignificant situation.

Many Blessings, Love and Prayers, Always,

The human body is a mystery, to many people – even some doctors, I imagine. God is a mystery as well. As some of you may know, via Twitter and Facebook, I had to make an unexpected trip to the hospital on Sunday, after a weekend of sudden stomach upset, sleeplessness and other strange symptoms.

I went in early morning, as the hospital ER can get quite backed up. I was taken back immediately and praying the whole time that I hadn’t wasted my time coming. I am never sick and I always feel like other people are in far more serious condition that I am. So I was just hoping that it was serious enough to justify a trip to the ER. I went through the usual tests and all. I had quite a difficult time eating, drinking and keeping anything down for the past few days, so I was given a saline IV. I also needed to drink much, much, much of this ‘yuck’ to prepare for a CAT Scan. It was difficult and just took a long time. After two hours I was ready to go down for my scan. I was worried/still that I had come for nothing. I waited in discomfort, praying that God had an answer for this strange string of events happening to me. My head swirled with worries and thoughts, Why is this happening? What caused this? etc etc.

After my scan the wait was not long – the doctors came by and indeed confirmed my suspicions. I had a perforated appendix and was going to be in surgery in the next hour or so. WOW. I knew after two days of pain, discomfort, sleeplessness and nausea that I must’ve had appendicitis. But why? There is no answer. I was just mad – mad that I was sick and had to be in the ER, mad that now I had to be out of work for two – three weeks and go into SURGERY for the first time ever. WAIT! WHOA! WHAT! I knew when I went in, I was just in denial and worried and focused on the after effects of the hospital stay – paperwork, medical bills, phone calls, follow-up appointments, work and being dependent on others for errands and such. This is just not me. I am the one who is focused, hardworking, never sick, go getter, up early and always doing something. I DON’T have time to be sick, let alone do this surgery and hospital stay thing. Come on really?

I know this is common and it happens a lot – but I wasn’t thinking it would happen. No one does. Admittedly, the symptoms were going on since Friday night and I told the doctor I was going to wait another day to come in and they were glad I hadn’t waited any longer. I remember praying all night Sat – Sun for the pain to pass and go away and now I was glad that it had led me to the hospital. My denial and procrastination would have led to more serious illness and prolonged hospital stay. I still have no idea why God allowed this to disrupt and come into my life and why now when I needed to get so many things  done.

I am here, home, healing, waiting, trusting and at the mercy of the mysteries that God had put before me. And I still have no idea why. I know I need to wait and trust God and not try to always figure things out. I am at His mercy, His will and waiting and hoping that something meaningful will come out of all of this.

Lots of Love and Prayers,