Shari's Sentiments

Lent – from the Middle English – Lente or springtime. The time between Ash Wednesday and Easter – associated with prayer, fasting and almsgiving. The purpose? To turn away from those things that keep us from Christ, fast and pray come closer to the broken Christ. BE broken as he was broken and give through your brokenness, the abundance that you receive.

How fitting that I should come to finally read through The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp, as I had a hard time trying to decide what to “give up” for Lent.

See I love the power and peace of prayer, fasting is second nature to intuitive eating or moderation and giving is a lifestyle – maybe it comes easier for some. Do little things with great love. St Therese of Lisieux.

However, less than two weeks before Ash Wednesday I received the news that my second pregnancy was not viable – I had lost my twins – my second miscarriage in nine months. What do you give up when it seems like you’ve already lost so much? What can I give to others when it seems that I need so much care and attention? How in the world am I going to get through these forty days? How can I look forward to Eastertide when I am in so much sorrow? Last year it was so easy – I found out I was pregnant right after Easter 2018 – what a great start to the spring season. And yet less than 10 weeks later sadness crept in as the news settled upon me…the pregnancy wasn’t going to be successful.

I have no answers. All I know is that my heart is broken in pieces, I am broken…in mourning…HOW? How do you grieve the life of little ones you’ve never met, held or felt?  How do I give my brokenness away? Who wants it? I feel like a dark cloud, a plague…a bad luck charm. I want to rise above this suffering….but I can’t. Not yet. Not until….I don’t know when.

….I don’t know when my heart will beat again, feel again, be full again and give again. I must walk this road of loss and suffering again but I don’t want to…I don’t want to.

In Love and Loss, Sorrow and Joy,

Always, In Christ.

Shari